Thank you all!

Deborah, your thought of the self-deceit…As for me, I realize to a hight extent that I often am in such a state. I often try comfort myself with good reasoning, inventing noble motivations. The key motivation, I’m afraid, is that I want to look good. In this respect after reading Father’s post I for the first time life as a market – my life concretely. We are on the market, but the purposes are different. I thought – some come there to buy, some – to sell. I felt myself as a seller. What I do is trying to sell myself – at a good price, make a good bargain, show off. The payment form can be different: reassurance, encouragement, appraisal, “applause”…It seems to me I’d gladly accept everything – except the truth. The truth might be too sharp & ugly. well, I tried so hard, I came to the market, I stand there trying to pay people’s attention to me, making my goods more & more attractive. And if someone doesn’t care, I take offense. It hardly strikes me that he doesn’t want to buy my things not because he is so dull & unable to understand how nice they are, but that they are far from being nice. and useless.

Such things happen, I think, maybe because I do not feel myself the worst sinner. That I don’t have anything to offer, to sell. That I am poor, and need to buy myself. And I need to realize what I should by – unless it becomes too late…OIL! The beginning of humility – realization of oneself as a poor sinner, makes a person anxious to run to the market of life and look for the necessary…and a person looks for it attentively, devotedly, without taking care of oneself, without lingering on trifles – as he knows what he needs. and he cherishes the time that is slipping by…

Self-deceit derives from self-justification.

The Saint Spirit is pure. And can be obtained with entirely pure motives. No association of the Light with the darkness… Your words led me to this feeling, Deborah.

Does this mean that all my tainted good works, asceticism or repentance are of no use to my soul? Does no ‘oil’ come from things done with less than entirely pure motives?

If I had to be absolutely sure that my motives were entirely pure, entirely untainted by selfish motives, I would never be able to do anything! It is good to do a prayerful examination of my heart, mind and soul beforehand, but that is not always possible (and even when I’ve done that I sometimes discover later that some sneaky subconscious selfish motive escaped detection.)

All I can do is to continue sincerely praying to the Lord to “Search my heart….” and examine the motives for all my deeds, past, present and those I intended to do in the future and when there is found “any wicked way in me”, confess and repent–and continue to seek the grace of God, the Oil of my Lamp, through constant communing with Him.

Just recently I ran across this apocryphal story from the New Testament: “On the same day, seeing one work on the sabbath, he said unto him: Man, if indeed thou knowest what thou doest, thou art blessed: but if thou knowest not, thou art cursed, and a transgressor of the law.” I’m not quite sure why I thought of this in connection with this parable except that in both cases it is awareness, as opposed to mindlessness that seems to make the difference between right and wrong, life and death. Through constant seeking to root out and expose sin in my life, I can keep my motives pure and holy and thus preserve and increase the grace (oil) of God in my life. If I slip into a mindless state where my actions and decisions are unconsciously driven by my own selfish desires, or worse, demonic influence then I will find that in the end I have no oil in my lamp. This is not as easy as it seems. It requires constant vigil and a recognition of my tendency towards self deceit–as well as the Enemy’s intent to keep me clueless. “There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death.” Fortunately, the Lord has brought me to a place where I can get help in examining my motives, exposing sin and acquiring oil for my lamp.