"Compel them to come in" - choose to not have a choice!
February 8/21, Great martyr Theodore Stratelates.
I went back to the
prison yesterday after a long, involuntary hiatus.
It turns out that
prisons are sometimes as hard to get into as they are to get out
of!
I had not seen my guys
for about two months, because I had to unexpectedly retrain (there are only a few
retraining sessions a year within a parsec of Dallas). There is no way to let them
know that I am coming - I have two standing appointments (in two different prisons)
monthly, but if I cannot make it for some reason they do not know until the day
that I do not arrive. This is one of the many indignities of prison life. I am not
being soft on the "offenders" here; most are in prison because they did bad things
and they deserve to be where they are, but it is undeniable that if a person is not
careful, the mind dulling routine, daily humiliations and depersonalization of
prison life can make a person lose touch with his humanity.
I have been really
fatigued regarding prison ministry. It is not a physical thing, although getting up
at 3:30am, and a three hour drive one way usually does not have me ready to wrestle
tigers afterwards - sometimes I just get worn out. There is stuff that happens in
prison. I have only had one time when I wondered if I was in danger (I *really*
wondered for about 10 seconds) ; I am not talking about that kind of stuff. People
tell me stuff (not always inmates), and there is so much suffering! Only the holy
can bear suffering without being worn out.
If I do not see "my
guys" (about 20 souls, the number varies), no priest will, so I do not feel that I
have a choice - I must go when I can.
Of course we always have a choice, as I tell my
parishioners all the time "you have free will" (sometimes I say this when the
question is too hard to answer!). We can choose, and be right or wrong. The Apostle
teaches this - All things are lawful, but not all things are expedient.
I know that Christians
must CHOOSE to not give themselves a choice, when it
comes to doing good.
That is a good working
definition of Christianity and the priesthood especially - do what is right, even
when you are "tired/do not want to/have no idea really what you are doing and are
WAY over your head/blah blah blah".
"Choosing to not have a choice" is always the interpretation, or even if you will,
"spin" I put on one of my favorite bible verses. It is from the parable of the
Great Supper[1].
After so many turn down the King (God), He orders His slaves to go out into the
highways and the hedges and *compel* them to come in[2].
Of course, God made us in His image, and this means, among other important things,
that we have free will; we are not forced by Him to do things. We can choose
anything, but if we choose wrongly, we
will lose our ability to choose what is good. That is the mystery of free will - in
essence, if we do not use it (to do good), we LOSE it.
The "compelling" that
God does is that when we exercise our free will to do good, we become more free, and He visits us with His grace. There
is no greater happiness than this. In my experience, because of my sins, I do not
always feel this grace right away, and sometimes, such as when I use my free will
to exercise my prison ministry, after an 8 hour day, and hearing difficult things,
and driving through the rain, I feel spent, but there is a quiet assurance that I
did something that is eternal, and this compels
me to get up again the next time at 3:30 in the morning and do it all over again. I
wish it would also compel me to go to bed early the night before!
This visit was
difficult in several ways, but also wonderful in an unexpected way.
The standard stuff
went on - long delays because count had not cleared, and half of my guys not
showing up because they were either not
released from their houses by a guard, or any of the zillion other reasons why
schedules get messed up in a prison. Any normal day in a prison visit is certainly
abnormal! Basically, every time, something is going to happen to try your patience.
I felt kind of
deflated that some of my guys were missing, including two I am catechizing to be
baptized. I guess the imperfect part of me wanted everybody to be glad about my
grand reentrance after the second
longest hiatus I have experienced in 15 years of prison ministry. I am also
concerned that I am not getting enough face time with the men I am catechizing. I
get two cracks at them a month, and if I lose one because of a big Feast day, or
there is a security problem, or the big spot on Jupiter is not aligned properly,
this is time I lose with them that I cannot make up.
I saw three guys, and
all of them are baptized Orthodox (I also see inquirers, and catechumens). There
was confession, and abbreviated prayers, and they had communion. Of course, as is
usual, they all arrived at wildly different times because of the vagaries of prison
scheduling. I show up at 7:30 as agreed, and if I am "lucky", (I suppose I should
say "blessed' since we do not believe in luck!) I see somebody by 8am, and maybe
the full complement by 8:30. Today I was not "lucky", but as one guard says when I
ask how she is, I was blessed!
We had a little time
for discussion; I think this is an important part of prison ministry. I am no Saint
John Chrysostom anyway, and they need to be able to tell me about their daily
lives. Today they told me some stories that I will not repeat. Prison life is full
of impossible situations. There is a lot of inhumanity and senseless violence. I
know men are capable of inhuman things and some become in some way, not human. I
know moral men (and there are moral men in prison; very few men in prison are
psychopaths or sociopaths - they love their mamas and their children, and do not
want to brutalize another human being) are forced to make terrible decisions. I
heard about some of those. My God! Things are just not right in this world!
Part of the priesthood
is hearing things you do not want to hear, and somehow God fills the infirm vessel,
and I react, really having any idea how, and then I move on to the next thing. I
have heard a lot in 54 years, but once in a while, the cup gets a little too full.
As I left the prison, I felt physically ill, for a lot of reasons. I have no idea
what I would do if I were the victim or
potential victim in some of those stories. I surely know the Gospel, and can say
what I should do, but theory is a whole lot easier than reality!
I also was for a
moment acutely aware that right now, at this moment, people are suffering and being
tested in ways that are too terrible to mention. Our Lord was ALWAYS aware of this,
but most of us weak men only have short glimpses into this reality. As I get older,
these glimpses get longer, but that's okay, it is the way it should
be.
As I walk through the
prison corridors or drive home on I-45, or go to the gym, everything looks okay,
but I am surrounded by people with terrible burdens, needs and temptations. Only by
God's grace can we avoid the snare the devil has put in place to capture us.
I have discovered
something that really helps me in my prison ministry. I usually go kayaking on the
way back home. I brought the kayak today, but is was rainy and cold. I stopped by
the river anyway, and spent a little bit of time there, and then it was on to the
next thing.
There was one great,
unexpected thing that happened in the prison visit. Actually, I expect unexpected
stuff; almost every prison visit there is some great thing - something that feeds
my soul. This is also true of anytime I get outside myself. It has happened more
times than I can count in the services (both when I was a layman and as a priest)
when I was tired and felt like "being a parishioner[3]",
but went to the service anyway.
I was asked by
someone, not an inmate, "Are you content?" I knew the answer right away: "No ...
and yes!" No, I am not content, because I have passions that assail me, and I feel
them acutely. I am not the way I am supposed to be, but I know I am changing, and
God is helping me. On the other hand, I have the great privilege, despite my sins
and my infirm vessel, to be part of God's economy, and be healer of souls. The
stuff I do is eternal and it matters. I am not too good at it, but God helps me,
and I cannot imagine doing anything else. I am therefore content. I am reminded of
an excellent quote I culled from a catechetical lecture I have recently listened to
(more about that later, as God allows):
"Peace is not the
absence of turmoil, fights and battles, but the presence of God. When God is
present in our hearts, then we will have peace regardless of what happens
outside."
I am content.
Priest Seraphim Holland 2013 St Nicholas
Russian Orthodox Church, McKinney, Texas
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[1] Luke 14:16-24, read on the Sunday of the Holy Forefathers, the 2nd Sunday before Nativity
[2] Luke 14:23 And the lord said unto the servant, Go out into the highways and hedges, and compel them to come in, that my house may be filled.
[3] "Being a parishioner". That is what I sometimes say I want to be when I am really tired and do not feel like going to vigil or Moleben, or whatever. The truth is, most parishioners do not go to vigil!